On my journey to understanding the break down of my marriage early last year, I’ve wanted to talk about the 3 major lessons I’ve been learning.
The first lesson was self worth and the second I’m going to talk about in this post is rediscovering myself.
Although my marriage was going through a ‘rough patch’ I certainly didn’t expect it would end. It was very much a shock to the system and after the first few months of the initial shock and upset I felt like I suddenly had all this free time and no idea how to spend it.
One of the main things and probably the most ‘normal’ place is to start spending a lot more time with friends. I hated having long periods of time on my own, so my weekends soon filled with visiting friends, events, pub nights with work colleagues etc. Pretty much anything I could do to stop myself from being sat around on my own for 48+ hours.
After that initial stage wore off due to exhaustion of never really having any down time to just process stuff (and due to the lack of money from traveling to every corner of the UK) it really got me thinking about all the things I wanted to do but never really did because of x,y and z of being in a relationship.
I think over time you adjust to becoming a ‘couple’ and doing things in a way you learn to do together. Whether that’s because one of you enjoys spending the weekend at home binging Netflix or whether one of you is a ‘lets take a train somewhere and just explore’ person, you learn to move within those boundaries. Live inside a couple zone that you both have to agree to move outside of. This, I learned, is just all wrong or at least it was for me/us/my marriage.
Once I’d realised that I’d become someone I wasn’t, never going out and exploring, taking photographs, seeing art exhibitions, traveling and the other 1000+ things I like to do, I became obsessed with re-discovering all of those things again.
I feel like this part is needed after a breakup, re-discovering yourself. Getting to know yourself again. Watching what you want on Tv, eating what you want for dinner, wearing what you want, doing your hair like you want, having lunch wherever you want. Although my marriage wasn’t exactly controlling, I still needed to go through this process. Being single really isn’t scary, it’s time to do what you want, when you want, how you want. No rules, just time to yourself.
I’d always wanted to get an arm tattoo, specially a big fat disney one. Like the true Disney obsessed person I am. I’d put it off because X didn’t like tattoos and I was stupid to think I needed to please him. So in June, I got a big colourful pegasus tattoo and I absolutely love it. I feel like it was something I needed to ‘heal’ from my break up, something that was really ‘me’ as a gesture to love myself because I deserve to be loved for who I am and not who someone wants me to be.
I found this process was really good at getting over the relationship. It helped me realise all those things I didn’t want anymore or miss, and helped me realise all the things I want from my future. All the things I might want in a future relationship and all the things I just wasn’t willing to compromise on anymore.
It gave me hope and excitement for my future which was something I hadn’t felt in a long time, even before my marriage was over.
Rediscovering myself was the 1st step of the breakup that I needed to do for myself. Breakups can quite often be about two people or the other person, but you need to really make something totally and deservedly just about you. It helped to gain back the confidence I’d lost over the years. Repairing myself and making myself whole again piece by piece. One interest and passion at a time. It was exciting getting to know the new Tarnya and what her new plans and interests are in life and for the future.
She’s ever evolving into a better, more rounded person and living her life for herself and not for someone else.
If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy my 78 Fun Date Ideas for 2019 post.