Saying Goodbye To The Hardest Year Of My Life.

If I’m being honest, I’m not really sure how to write this post or even where to begin, but all I know is that I need to. I need to so that I can shed the old skin of last year and start fresh.

anxiety moving house redundancy self hate self love low self esteem married marriage Saying Goodbye To The Hardest Year Of My Life
I tried to write about in it this post back in October but I probably didn’t get across how hard this past year has been.

Ever since getting diagnosed with anxiety, it’s been equally wonderful but equally encompassing. It felt freeing to finally have a reason to the way I’ve acted my entire life but at the same time, I think in some way it made me focus on it and it engulfed me. Although my anxiety was so bad during the wedding planning, enough to actually go to the doctors to talk about…this past year has been more intense.

Moving house, moving jobs and up and moving our lives. Living off £30 a month whilst trying to rent our house out. Arguing over every single penny we spend. Working at a job I can’t bare the thought of getting up to in the morning but having to, whilst constantly not knowing if i’ll even have the stupid job next week. Not to mention the soul crushing panic and fear of being bombarded with abuse from a neighbor. Then when we finally got our house rented out, it needing thousands of pounds of things doing to it or potentially losing it when you’re living off £30 a month…It really took it’s tole on me, deeply and truly. To the point where I’d have full on whole body convulsing sobs on the floor of my flat where I honestly felt like my world was ending. It’s been a fucking horrendous year.

My body aches from the weight of my head and soul.
I’ve never felt so low, so alone, so lost and so empty all at once.

There’s always a but right?

Things got better.

I got a new job at a company that cares. Like really care about their staff. Ironically I found out I had the job 30 seconds before being handed my notice to say my current job was over and I’m writing this on the day I’ve found out I’ve passed my probation at my new job, wahoo!

After renting the house out, getting a new job and somehow surviving, I’m finally on top of everything again. I’m enjoying life again. We can have date nights and I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to afford to eat lunch at work. I’m so incredibly grateful that I’ve been able to come through the other side and start mending. We had an amazingly relaxed Christmas and new year, with gifts and copious amount of food and drink and all the gaming I could have hoped for.

2018 just has to be better than last year. I need a break.

I’m excited about my project at work, I’m excited about going on holiday with Nick and just spending more time with him. I’m excited about blogging, vlogging and painting. I’m excited about losing some weight and growing my hair into a cute new longer style. I’m excited about making new memories that will hopefully push out all shit from last year.

I’m excited to look forward and stop looking back.

Happy new year guys.
I hope 2018 is full of love, adventure and happiness.