I’ve always been an over thinker and a huge worrier, it’s almost become part of my personality. I never thought much of it, it was normal to have a million thoughts going through my head at any one moment. Those moments of sheer panic before entering a room with a huge crowd of people. Or answering a phone call, any phone call, even from people I know. That moment of worked up panic worrying over all the chores I have to do when getting in from work and breaking down in tears on the commute home. All of these things were just me being a strange person who just freaks out more than normal, right? Wrong.
This is my anxiety story.
Towards the end of the wedding planning, I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly. These feelings crept up on me almost over night. I couldn’t keep control of my feelings at all. Almost anything pushed me to the verge of having a meltdown no matter how much I tried to relax. It got to the point that I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest every time I even thought about wedding plans.
It got so bad Nick took me to the doctors.
I’d always suspected that I had anxiety, I certainly recognized that I had similar symptoms. But I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was for someone to medically diagnose it. After talking to the doctor for over 20 minutes about how I felt, he signed me off sick for 2 weeks with anxiety and stress. It was like someone had told me I wasn’t crazy and what was happening in my head was perfectly normal.
The wedding stress had certainly adding a tonne of pressure but after the wedding I’ve felt much better just knowing I have anxiety. It certainly made me feel like all the things I was thinking and feeling made sense now. I can only describe how it feels as someone grabbing all your insides and squeezing them really tightly. Like this huge ball in the center of my body pulling everything into it, tight, into a ball. Except it’s most of the time and it’s exhausting fighting against all the thoughts in your head. My thoughts go out of control and I think of a hundred different things for one scenario, including ones that haven’t even happened yet.
It’s certainly something I’ve been trying to work on. Stopping my thoughts from going out of control about situations that haven’t happened by nipping them in the bud immediately. I find Nick really helps me calm down by going through my panicking thoughts with me and rationalizing them.
After talking to the doctor he offered me therapy options. I’m considering going for a consultation at some point as I’d like to stop my thought patterns spiraling. It might also help me learn to relax and not feel so uptight all the time, as that’s something I struggle with. I have problems ‘letting go’ in many aspects of my life and I feel this is a huge factor.
So I’m looking forward to working on myself more in 2017. I’d really love to talk about my development and bring you along with me. If any of you suffer from anxiety too, please know you are not alone and you are welcome to chat to me about it. I’m still learning and coming to grips with anxiety myself so connecting with others for support would be amazing.
I know my story isn’t a long one, but it’s mine and I’m learning to live with myself. I’m holding out hope for a future with less scattered thoughts, less overthinking and more getting the most out of life.