I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post but I’ve been feeling a little shitty about a few things recently and writing a post feels very therapeutic sometimes, so that’s what i’m going to do.
I’ve felt really stressed out and ‘on edge’ recently, I’ve never been to the doctors or really thought I suffer with anxiety but recently I’ve been feeling really on edge, like I’m balancing on the edge of something that some days feels too much and other days I can just about cope with.
The main focus of my stress is money, I’ve spoken a little about our money situation in this post about living on a budget, we are getting married at the end of October this year and it’s quite literally taking all of our money to pay for it. At least twice a week I go over everything for our budget and nothing ever changes, it’s costing a fortune and sometimes I honestly believe we won’t afford it. The stress of worrying over every single little thing that comes out of the bank and thinking about everything that could go wrong between now and October pretty much takes up all of my head space. We’re both just exhausted from worrying, worrying about money, worrying about not being able to afford it and some of the time it takes over so much that we just think ‘what are we doing?’.
This makes me sad, I can’t wait to marry Nick, I really can’t but sometimes the stress of everything just tops that excitement and fear and panic takes over instead. There have been times when we’ve honestly just thought about forgetting all about it and running off and getting married on our own but then the logic returns and we change our minds all over again, of course we want our parents and friends there.
I have to admit one of the things that are getting me through is Christmas, I love Christmas and the thought of us having money again and being able to buy each other presents and eat amazing food really helps me. We’ve even discussed finally getting a puppy! I know people reading this will be like ‘surely getting married to the love of your life will make it all worth it?!’ and yes, 100% of course it will be, but when all of your stress revolves around wedding thoughts, sometimes it’s nice to have things to look forward to that aren’t about the wedding.
Last month I had the contraceptive implant, I’m going to write a post about this at some point, but basically I was always forgetting to take my pill and I certainly don’t want children any time soon. However I think it’s also playing havoc with my hormones which certainly doesn’t help when I’m trying not to lose my shit constantly. I’ve been having some serious back and chest acne appear out of no-where, which I think is stress related but this just adds to the worry of ‘how will my wedding dress look’ and ‘will people notice’ and bleerge.
I guess this post is basically just me telling myself that it’s totally okay to be stressed out about everything to do with weddings. So many people think it’s all fairy lights and cake and pretty dresses and you know what, it is, but it’s also laced with panic and worries about self consciousness and ultimately what makes you, as a couple, happy. I have no doubt in my mind about marrying Nick, but being able to talk about all the things that terrify me helps.
I’m terrified of having our photograph taken all day, I’m terrified of all the attention being on us, as we are both very introverted people. I’m terrified about my make-up, my hair, my dress, what if on the day I feel like shit and will be captured in photographs this way forever more. I’m terrified of speaking my vows in front of people because I basically have word dyslexia and always mess up something. I know all of these fears are irrational and I’m sure on the day none of that stuff will matter but it’s all there swimming around in my brain waiting to seep out when I’m feeling low.
But then on other days I push that all to the back of my mind and know that I’m excited, I’m excited about celebrating with all our friends and family and to drink and dance and have fun and those days are the days that I’m trying to cling onto at the minute. And that in 3 and a half months time it’ll all be done and we’ll be looking over the photos, laughing and smiling and reading cards of love and congratulations.
Well, that escalated quickly didn’t it? ha! I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest. Hopefully I’m not the only one out there that feels this way sometimes and maybe now I’ve let it out, my mind can rest a little and relax.
I really hope that when it comes to my next wedding update post I have a few of these things sorted and not plaguing my mind.
Thanks for listening,